Plotless Violence

How to drawer an insanely successful webcomic!:

I've been a webcomic artist for, oh, what day is it? Carry the two...3 months, and as such I feel expert enough to offer advice to newcomers to the most respected profession.

1. Go with what works, then Mainstream Into Oblivion. Penny-Arcade is very successful, so rip that off. All good comics a) are about videogames b) concern 2 20-something males with different-colored hair c) are written in 1337, the language of the internet d) are run by two people, one who does the work and the other who takes half the credit despite contributing nothing and e) look so ugly and inane that even a newpaper that carries "Family Circus" will reject them for publication.

2. You can't draw. That's ok! No matter how ugly your stick figures, your legions of fans will always ascribe this to your "unique drawering style." Disguise your total laziness in drawering more than one panel as "breeding familiarity." Here is my original (only) drawering for this example:

3. You aren't funny or witty. That's ok, too! Purists will tell you that humor comes from surprise and the intermeshing of well-developed characters, but those purists have real jobs where they contribute to society whereas you're going to quit that fast-food/janitorial position as soon as those PayPal(tm) dollars come e-rolling in! "Repetitive" is just another word for "running gag." Make SURE you don't use actual wit in your comics, or your only fanbase will be confused. Remember, these people are barely semi-literate, so only reference pop culture and no 3-syllable words! Break the fourth wall regularly, and don't be afeared to use holidays as an excuse for not updating!

4. Content. For "plot"points, you'll need: a) An "evil" videogame corporation, typically Microsoft or Sony. b) A "good" videogame corporation that inexplicably collapsed in business ruin because no one purchased its games, typically Sega, Neo-Geo, and Acclaim. c) An addictive foodstuff/beverage, typically alcohol, a brand of soda, or a brand of junk food.

5. At some point, due to a combination of wish-fulfillment and to allay justified accusations of your homosexuality, you will want to introduce a female character. Of course, you've never actually spoken to a real woman, so just give her the anime-stereotype of "violent chick" in lieu of actual feminine character development.

6. Should any of your "jokes" POSSIBLY be complex enough to be misinterpreted by an easily-offended Liberal without his reading glasses, be sure to write the word, "Funny!" or, "This is entertaining!" in the panel somewhere. Also works if you have no joke in that strip.

7. Examples: Here is what I did using only the original drawering:

8. Congratulations! You are now rich! Attach a PayPal (tm) banner and set up an online store to buy books of your junk. "But why would anyone purchase what's available online, for free, in an arguably more easily-accessible format?" you ask. Again, let me remind you that the average human is dumber than Blake Newberry's retarded half after a massive brain hemorage. Just say "exclusive content," toss in a single extra comic worse (is that even possible?) than the regular ones, and never have to do a real day's work again!

Which reminds me: I'm starting up a new webcomic site dedicated to bringing the world the absolute worst webcomic ever made. It's pretty much done (look above), but I just need a second person to give half the money and credit to. Any volunteers? E-mail me.

(PS: For those of you who think I was "just joking" or that this would never work, let me remind you how popular Little Gamers is. You sure you don't want half my money?)

Fight Scenes:

Email me, I command it! (The money I'll make selling your e-mail addresses to spammers will put me through Evil Law College)
All Rights Reserved.

^JAN February 2005 ^MAR
30	31	1	2	3	4	5	W
6	7	8	9	10	11	12	W
13	14	15	16	17	18	19	W
20	21	22	23	24	25	26	W
27	28	1	2	3	4	5	W
6	7	8	9	10	11	12	W
							WEEK

Plotless Violence is hosted on Keenspace, not Comicgenesis.